Chapter 21

SECTION 76In every matter, therefore, one must consider both what one asks of a friend and what one allows a friend to obtain from oneself.

There is also a certain misfortune sometimes unavoidable in dissolving friendships—for now our discourse is descending from the intimate relations of the wise to ordinary friendships. The faults of friends often burst forth, sometimes against their friends themselves, sometimes against strangers, though the resulting disgrace spills over upon their friends. Friendships of this kind should therefore be effaced by gradually relaxing the intimacy and, as I heard Cato say, should be unstitched rather than torn apart—unless some utterly intolerable wrong has blazed forth, making it neither right nor honorable, nor indeed possible, to avoid an immediate estrangement and separation.

SECTION 77But if, as commonly happens, some change has taken place either in character or in pursuits, or if disagreement has arisen over political allegiance—I am speaking now, as I said a little earlier, not of friendships among the wise but of ordinary friendships—care must be taken that it not appear that friendship has merely been laid aside and hostility taken up in its place. For nothing is more shameful than to wage war against a man with whom one has lived on intimate terms. Scipio, as you know, had withdrawn from friendship with Quintus Pompeius on my account; and because of the political disagreement between them, he became estranged from our colleague Metellus. In both cases he acted with dignity and restraint, and without bitter resentment.

SECTION 78For this reason, our first care must be to prevent any breach between friends; but if such a thing does occur, we should make it seem that the friendship has died out rather than been violently destroyed. We must also take care that friendships do not turn into bitter enmities, from which quarrels, abuse, and insults arise. Yet if these are bearable, they must be endured, and this honor must be paid to the old friendship: the blame for the wrong should rest upon the man who commits it, not upon the man who suffers it.

In general, there is one safeguard and one precaution against all these faults and troubles: people must not begin to love too quickly, nor love those who are unworthy.

SECTION 79Those, however, are worthy of friendship who possess within themselves the reason why they should be loved. A rare breed! Yet all excellent things are rare, and nothing is more difficult than to find something wholly perfect of its kind in every respect. But most men recognize no good in human affairs except what is profitable, and they prize as friends, much as they do livestock, those from whom they hope to reap the greatest gain.

SECTION 80Thus they are deprived of that loveliest and most natural friendship, sought for its own sake and because of itself; nor do they take themselves as an example from which to learn the nature and magnitude of friendship’s power. For every man loves himself, not because he demands some payment from himself in return for his affection, but because each man is dear to himself for his own sake. Unless this same principle is carried over into friendship, a true friend will never be found; for a true friend is, as it were, a second self.

SECTION 81If this is evident among animals—birds, creatures of the water, beasts of the field, tame and wild—first, that they love themselves, for this instinct is born alike in every living creature; and then, that they seek and desire other animals of their own kind to which they may attach themselves, doing so with longing and with something resembling human love—how much more naturally does this happen in man, who both loves himself and seeks another whose soul he may so mingle with his own as to make almost one soul out of two!

SECTION 76In every situation, moreover, you must consider both what you ask of a friend and what you allow a friend to obtain from you.

There is also a certain misfortune, sometimes unavoidable, in bringing friendships to an end—for our discussion is now descending from the friendships of the wise to ordinary friendships. Friends’ faults often burst out, sometimes against their friends themselves and sometimes against strangers, though the resulting disgrace still reflects upon their friends. Such friendships, therefore, must be dissolved by a gradual relaxation of contact and, as I heard Cato say, should be unstitched rather than torn apart—unless some utterly intolerable wrong has flared up, making it neither right nor honorable, nor even possible, to avoid an immediate estrangement and separation.

SECTION 77But if, as often happens, some change has occurred either in character or in interests, or if a disagreement over political allegiance has intervened—I am speaking now, as I said a little earlier, not of the friendships of the wise but of ordinary friendships—we must take care that it does not appear that not only has the friendship been laid aside, but hostility has also been assumed. For nothing is more shameful than waging war against someone with whom you have lived on intimate terms. Scipio, as you know, withdrew from his friendship with Quintus Pompeius on my account; and because of the political disagreement between them, he became estranged from our colleague Metellus. In both cases he acted with dignity and moderation, and without bitter resentment.

SECTION 78For this reason, our first effort should be to prevent any breach between friends; but if something of that kind does occur, we should make it appear that the friendship died out rather than that it was violently crushed. We must certainly take care that friendships do not turn into bitter hostilities, which give rise to quarrels, abuse, and insults. Yet if these are tolerable, they must be endured, and this honor must be paid to the former friendship: the person who commits the wrong, not the person who suffers it, should be the one at fault.

In general, there is one safeguard and one precaution against all these faults and troubles: people should not begin to love too quickly, and they should not love those who are unworthy.

SECTION 79Those worthy of friendship are people who possess within themselves the reason why they should be loved. They are a rare class! Indeed, everything excellent is rare, and nothing is more difficult than finding something that is perfect in every respect within its kind. But most people recognize nothing good in human affairs unless it is profitable, and, like livestock, they particularly value those friends from whom they hope to obtain the greatest return.

SECTION 80Thus they are deprived of that most beautiful and most natural friendship, sought for its own sake and because of itself; nor do they themselves provide their own example of the nature and magnitude of friendship’s power. For every person loves himself, not in order to demand from himself some payment for his affection, but because each person is dear to himself in and of himself. Unless this same feeling is transferred to friendship, a true friend will never be found; for a true friend is, as it were, another self.

SECTION 81If this is apparent among animals—birds, fish, land animals, tame and wild—first, in their loving themselves, since that feeling is born equally in every living creature, and then in their seeking and pursuing other living creatures of their own kind to which they may attach themselves, doing so with longing and with something resembling human love, how much more does this occur by nature in a human being, who both loves himself and seeks another person whose mind he may so blend with his own as to make almost one person out of two!