Chapter 39

100 But let us return to the handwritten orders. What inquiry did you make into them? The Senate ratified Caesar’s acts for the sake of peace—the things Caesar had actually done, not the things Antony said Caesar had done. Where do these documents come pouring out from? On whose authority are they produced? If they are false, why are they approved? If genuine, why are they sold? The decision was that, beginning on the first of June, you should examine Caesar’s acts with an advisory council. What council was there? Whom did you ever summon? What first of June did you wait for? Was it the one when, after touring the veterans’ colonies, you returned surrounded by armed men?

What a splendid whirlwind tour you made in April and May, when you even tried to plant a colony at Capua! How you escaped from there is known to us—or rather, how you almost did not escape.

101 And that is the city you threaten! If only you would try, so that at last we could strike out that “almost”! But what a distinguished journey of yours! Why should I bring up your lavish luncheons, your raving drunkenness? Those are your losses; these are ours. The Campanian land—even when it was withdrawn from the revenue rolls to be given to soldiers, we thought a grievous wound was being dealt to the republic—you were dividing it among your table companions and gambling partners. I mean, senators, that actors and actresses in farces were settled on Campanian land. What complaint can I now make about the territory of Leontini? For those two tracts, Campanian and Leontine, were once reckoned the grain-bearing, fruitful farmlands in the Roman people’s inheritance. Three thousand iugera for your doctor: what if he had cured you? Two thousand for your teacher of rhetoric: what if he had been able to make you eloquent?

100 But let’s return to the handwritten documents. What did you do to check them? The Senate confirmed Caesar’s acts to keep the peace. That meant things Caesar actually did—not things Antony said Caesar had done. Where are these documents pouring out from? Who vouches for them? If they’re fake, why approve them? If they’re real, why sell them? The agreement was that you’d review Caesar’s acts with a council, starting June 1. What council was there? Whom did you ever call together? What June 1 were you waiting for? The one when you returned surrounded by armed men, after touring the veterans’ colonies?

What a wonderful tour you made in April and May! That’s when you even tried to settle a colony at Capua. We know how you got away from there—or rather, how you nearly didn’t.

101 Now you’re threatening that city. I wish you’d try! Then we could finally drop the “nearly.” What a distinguished trip that was! Why mention your lavish lunches or your wild drunkenness? Those things hurt you. These things hurt us: you divided Campania’s public land among your lunch companions and gaming partners. Even when that land stopped bringing in revenue so soldiers could receive it, we thought the republic had suffered a serious wound. Senators, I’m talking about male and female mime actors settled on Campania’s land. Why complain now about the land at Leontini? These two farming districts, Campania and Leontini, once counted among the Roman people’s assets. They brought in grain and income. Three thousand iugera went to a doctor. What would he have got if he’d cured you? Two thousand went to a speech teacher. What if he’d managed to teach you to speak well?