Chapter 34

84 For as long as you choose, Dolabella is a consul elected under flawed auspices; then again, whenever you choose, he has been elected with the auspices intact. If it means nothing when an augur makes a declaration in the words you used, confess that you were not sober when you said, “On another day.” But if those words have any force, I, an augur, ask my colleague what that force is.

But lest my speech pass over the single most glorious exploit among Marcus Antony’s many achievements, let us come to the Lupercalia. He does not hide it, senators: he is plainly shaken; he sweats, he turns pale. Let him do anything, so long as he does not vomit as he did in the Minucian Portico. What defense can there be for such disgrace? I long to hear it, to see where that great fee paid to his rhetoric teacher has gone, where the fields of Leontini show their worth.

85 Your colleague sat on the rostra, wrapped in a purple toga, on a golden chair, wearing a crown. You mounted the platform, approached the chair—though you were a Lupercal priest, you should have remembered that you were consul—and displayed a diadem. A groan went up throughout the Forum. Where did the diadem come from? You had not picked it up where it lay discarded: you had brought it from home, a crime planned and pondered in advance. You tried to place the diadem on him amid the people’s lamentations; he rejected it amid their applause. You alone, then, criminal that you are, were found to advocate kingship, to wish for a master in the man you had as colleague, and at the same time to test what the Roman people could endure and suffer.

86 You even tried to win pity: you threw yourself at his feet as a suppliant. Asking for what? To be a slave? You should have asked for yourself alone, you who had lived from boyhood in such a way that you would submit to anything and find slavery easy. From us and from the Roman people you certainly had no such commission. What splendid eloquence you displayed, addressing the assembly naked! What could be more shameful? What more foul? What more deserving of every punishment? Are you waiting for us to stab you with goads? If you have any feeling at all, this speech tears you, this speech draws your blood. I fear I may diminish the glory of the greatest men; still, grief drives me to speak. What could be more outrageous than that the man who placed the diadem should live, when everyone admits that the man who rejected it was justly killed?

87 He even ordered this entry to be made in the calendar under the Lupercalia: “Marcus Antony, consul, offered the kingship to Gaius Caesar, dictator for life, at the people’s command; Caesar declined to accept it.” Now, now I am not in the least surprised that you disturb the peace; that you hate not only the city but the light of day; that with the most desperate bandits you drink not only in daylight but on into the next day. For where will you find a foothold in peace? What place can you have under the laws and in the courts, which you did everything in your power to abolish through royal domination? Was Lucius Tarquinius expelled, were Spurius Cassius, Spurius Maelius, and Marcus Manlius killed, so that many centuries later Marcus Antony could do what sacred law forbids and set up a king at Rome?

84 As long as you choose, Dolabella’s consulship is invalid. Then, when you choose, his election has no fault in the omens. Suppose an augur’s report means nothing when he uses your words. Then admit you weren’t sober when you said, “Another day.” But suppose those words have some force. What is it? I’m asking you as one augur to another.

But my speech mustn’t skip the finest of Antony’s many deeds. Let’s come to the Lupercalia. He’s not hiding it, senators. He’s clearly upset. He’s sweating. He’s pale. He can do anything else. Just don’t let him vomit like he did in the Minucian Portico. How can anyone defend something so shameful? I want to hear it. Let’s see his speaking teacher’s huge fee at work. Let’s see the land at Leontini earn its keep.

85 Your colleague sat on the speakers’ platform. He wore a purple toga and a wreath. His chair was gold. You climbed up and went over to his chair. You were a Lupercal priest, but you should still have remembered you were consul. You held out a royal headband. Groans came from the whole Forum. Where did the headband come from? You hadn’t picked it up after someone threw it away. You’d brought it from home. You’d thought out and planned this crime. You kept putting the headband on him. The people cried out in grief. He kept refusing it, and they applauded. So you alone turned out to be willing, you criminal. You pushed for kingship. You wanted your fellow consul to be your master. You also tested what the Roman people could bear and put up with.

86 You even tried to make people feel sorry for you. You threw yourself at his feet like a beggar. What were you asking for? To be a slave? You should have asked that just for yourself. Ever since boyhood, you’d let people do anything to you. Being a slave would come easily to you. We certainly hadn’t authorized you to ask for that. Neither had the Roman people. Your speech was really brilliant, wasn’t it? You addressed the crowd naked! What could be more shameful? More disgusting? More deserving of every punishment? Are you waiting for us to jab you with sharp goads? If you have any feeling at all, this speech rips into you. This speech makes you bleed. I’m afraid I may lessen those great men’s glory. Still, the pain makes me say it. What could be more outrageous? The man who put the headband on Caesar still lives. Yet everyone agrees Caesar was rightly killed, though he refused it.

87 He even ordered this entry in the calendar under the Lupercalia: “At the people’s orders, Antony, the consul, offered kingship to Caesar, dictator for life. Caesar refused to accept it.” Now, now I’m not surprised at all that you disrupt the peace. You hate not just Rome, but daylight itself. You drink with the worst bandits, not just during daylight but right through till morning. Where will you fit in when there’s peace? What place can you have under laws and in courts? You did all you could to destroy them through royal rule. Was this why Lucius Tarquinius was driven out? Was this why Spurius Cassius, Spurius Maelius, and Marcus Manlius were killed? So Antony could put a king in Rome centuries later, against the gods’ law?