Book 3, Chapter 30

“But more of this another time. For now it is enough not to ascribe our misery to the loss of friends, lest we love them more than they themselves would wish, if they have awareness—certainly more than we love ourselves. As for the claim that most people receive no relief from consolation, and the added claim that consolers themselves admit to misery when fortune turns her onslaught toward them, both can be answered. These are not defects of nature, but faults. One may denounce folly as fully as one likes. Those who find no relief invite <themselves> to misery; and those who bear their own misfortunes differently from the way they advised others to bear theirs are no more at fault than most people, who, greedy themselves, blame the greedy, or ambitious themselves, blame those hungry for glory. For it is characteristic of folly to see others’ faults and forget one’s own.

74 “But surely this point above all must be made clear: since it is established that distress is removed with time, the power lies not in the days themselves, but in prolonged reflection. For if the thing is the same and the person is the same, how can the pain change at all if nothing has changed either in what causes the pain or in the person who feels it? It is prolonged reflection that there is no evil in the event, then, that heals pain, not mere duration itself.”

“But that’s for another time. For now, it’s enough that we shouldn’t blame the loss of friends for our misery. We shouldn’t love them more than they themselves would want, if they could feel anything, and certainly not more than we love ourselves. People say that many get no relief from consolation. They add that the consolers themselves admit they’re miserable when fortune turns its attack on them. Both objections can be answered. These aren’t defects in nature; they’re faults. You can accuse foolishness as fully as you like. People who get no relief are themselves inviting misery. And people who handle their own troubles differently from the way they’ve advised others to do are no more at fault than most people: the greedy criticize the greedy, and the ambitious criticize others’ ambition. It’s characteristic of foolishness to see other people’s faults and forget one’s own.

74 “Above all, we need to press this point. We agree that distress disappears over time. The effective power, though, belongs to thinking over a long period, not to the days themselves. Keep the same sufferer and the same situation: what could alter the pain? Nothing about either its object or its subject has altered. What heals, then, is extended reflection that the situation contains no evil. Mere duration does not.”