Voltaire · Complete work
Chapter XXVIII
Chapter XXVIII of 30. Read it here for reference, or continue through the entire work without leaving the reader.
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Ce qui arriva à Candide, à Cunégonde, à Pangloss, à Martin, etc.
Pardon, encore une fois, dit Candide au baron; pardon, mon révérend père, de vous avoir donné un grand coup d’épée au travers du corps. N’en parlons plus, dit le baron; je fus un peu trop vif, je l’avoue; mais puisque vous voulez savoir par quel hasard vous m’avez vu aux galères, je vous dirai qu’après avoir été guéri de ma blessure par le frère apothicaire du collège, je fus attaqué et enlevé par un parti espagnol; on me mit en prison à Buénos-Ayres dans le temps que ma soeur venait d’en partir. Je demandai à retourner à Rome auprès du père général. Je fus nommé pour aller servir d’aumônier à Constantinople auprès de monsieur l’ambassadeur de France. Il n’y avait pas huit jours que j’étais entré en fonction, quand je trouvai sur le soir un jeune icoglan très bien fait. Il fesait fort chaud: le jeune homme voulut se baigner; je pris cette occasion de me baigner aussi. Je ne savais pas que ce fût un crime capital pour un chrétien d’être trouvé tout nu avec un jeune musulman. Un cadi me fit donner cent coups de bâton sous la plante des pieds, et me condamna aux galères. Je ne crois pas qu’on ait fait une plus horrible injustice. Mais je voudrais bien savoir pourquoi ma soeur est dans la cuisine d’un souverain de Transylvanie réfugié chez les Turcs.
Mais vous, mon cher Pangloss, dit Candide, comment se peut-il que je vous revoie? Il est vrai, dit Pangloss, que vous m’avez vu pendre; je devais naturellement être brûlé mais vous vous souvenez qu’il plut à verse lorsqu’on allait me cuire: l’orage fut si violent qu’on désespéra d’allumer le feu; je fus pendu, parcequ’on ne put mieux faire: un chirurgien acheta mon corps, m’emporta chez lui, et me disséqua. Il me fit d’abord une incision cruciale depuis le nombril jusqu’à la clavicule. On ne pouvait pas avoir été plus mal pendu que je l’avais été. L’exécuteur des hautes oeuvres de la sainte inquisition, lequel était sous-diacre, brûlait à la vérité les gens à merveille, mais il n’était pas accoutumé à pendre: la corde était mouillée et glissa mal, elle fut mal nouée; enfin je respirais encore: l’incision cruciale me fit jeter un si grand cri, que mon chirurgien tomba à la renverse; et croyant qu’il disséquait le diable, il s’enfuit en mourant de peur, et tomba encore sur l’escalier en fuyant. Sa femme accourut au bruit d’un cabinet voisin: elle me vit sur la table étendu avec mon incision cruciale; elle eut encore plus de peur que son mari, s’enfuit, et tomba sur lui. Quand ils furent un peu revenus à eux, j’entendis la chirurgienne qui disait au chirurgien: Mon bon, de quoi vous avisez-vous aussi de disséquer un hérétique? ne savez-vous pas que le diable est toujours dans le corps de ces gens-là? je vais vite chercher un prêtre pour l’exorciser. Je frémis à ce propos, et je ramassai le peu de forces qui me restaient pour crier: Ayez pitié de moi! Enfin le barbier portugais s’enhardit: il recousit ma peau; sa femme même eut soin de moi; je fus sur pied au bout de quinze jours. Le barbier me trouva une condition, et me fit laquais d’un chevalier de Malte qui allait à Venise: mais mon maître n’ayant pas de quoi me payer, je me mis au service d’un marchand vénitien, et je le suivis à Constantinople.
Un jour il me prit fantaisie d’entrer dans une mosquée; il n’y avait qu’un vieux iman et une jeune dévote très jolie qui disait ses patenôtres; sa gorge était toute découverte: elle avait entre ses deux tétons un beau bouquet de tulipes, de roses, d’anémones, de renoncules, d’hyacinthes, et d’oreilles d’ours: elle laissa tomber son bouquet; je le ramassai, et je le lui remis avec un empressement très respectueux. Je fus si long-temps à le lui remettre, que l’iman se mit en colère, et voyant que j’étais chrétien, il cria à l’aide. On me mena chez le cadi, qui me fit donner cent coups de latte sous la plante des pieds, et m’envoya aux galères. Je fus enchaîné précisément dans la même galère et au même banc que monsieur le baron. Il y avait dans cette galère quatre jeunes gens de Marseille, cinq prêtres napolitains, et deux moines de Corfou, qui nous dirent que de pareilles aventures arrivaient tous les jours. Monsieur le baron prétendait qu’il avait essuyé une plus grande injustice que moi: je prétendais, moi, qu’il était beaucoup plus permis de remettre un bouquet sur la gorge d’une femme que d’être tout nu avec un icoglan. Nous disputions sans cesse, et nous recevions vingt coups de nerf de boeuf par jour, lorsque l’enchaînement des événements de cet univers vous a conduit dans notre galère, et que vous nous avez rachetés.
Eh bien! mon cher Pangloss, lui dit Candide, quand vous avez été pendu, disséqué, roué de coups, et que vous avez ramé aux galères, avez-vous toujours pensé que tout allait le mieux du monde? Je suis toujours de mon premier sentiment, répondit Pangloss; car enfin je suis philosophe; il ne me convient pas de me dédire, Leibnitz ne pouvant pas avoir tort, et l’harmonie préétablie étant d’ailleurs la plus belle chose du monde, aussi bien que le plein et la matière subtile.
Musean translation
Mouseia’s complete machine-assisted Musean translation, made directly from the French text of all thirty chapters (Beuchot edition, 1829) for fidelity, the author’s force and cadence, and modern clarity. The editor’s notes are omitted.
What Happened to Candide, Cunégonde, Pangloss, Martin, and Others.
"Forgive me again," said Candide to the Baron, "forgive me, Reverend Father, for having run you through the body with my sword." "Let us say no more of it," said the Baron. "I was a little too quick to anger, I admit. But since you wish to know how it happened that you saw me on the galleys, I shall tell you. After the apothecary brother of the college had healed my wound, a Spanish detachment attacked and abducted me. They put me in prison in Buenos Aires just as my sister was leaving. I asked to return to Rome to the Father General. I was appointed to serve as chaplain in Constantinople to the French ambassador. I had not been at my post eight days when one evening I met a very handsome young page. It was very hot; the young man wished to bathe, and I took the opportunity to bathe as well. I did not know it was a capital crime for a Christian to be found completely naked with a young Muslim. A judge had the soles of my feet beaten with a hundred strokes of a stick and sentenced me to the galleys. I do not believe a more horrible injustice has ever been done. But I should very much like to know why my sister is in the kitchen of a Transylvanian sovereign who has taken refuge among the Turks."
"But you, my dear Pangloss," said Candide, "how is it possible that I see you again?" "It is true," said Pangloss, "that you saw me hanged. By rights I was to be burned, but you remember that it was pouring rain when they were going to roast me. The storm was so fierce that they despaired of lighting the fire; I was hanged because they could do no better. A surgeon bought my body, took me home, and dissected me. First he made a cross-shaped incision from my navel to my collarbone. No one could have been hanged more badly than I was. The executioner of the Holy Inquisition, who was a subdeacon, was marvelous at burning people, to be sure, but he was not accustomed to hanging them: the rope was wet and slipped badly, and the knot was ill tied. In short, I was still breathing. The cross-shaped incision made me let out such a great cry that my surgeon fell over backward; thinking he was dissecting the devil, he fled in mortal terror, and fell again on the stairs as he ran. His wife came rushing from a nearby room at the noise. She saw me stretched out on the table with my cross-shaped incision; she was even more frightened than her husband, fled, and fell on top of him. When they had recovered somewhat, I heard the surgeon's wife say to him, 'My dear, what possessed you to dissect a heretic? Do you not know that the devil is always inside these people? I shall hurry to fetch a priest to exorcise him.' I shuddered at this and gathered what little strength I had left to cry, 'Have pity on me!' At last the Portuguese barber took courage and stitched up my skin; his wife even cared for me. I was on my feet in a fortnight. The barber found me a position and made me the footman of a Knight of Malta who was going to Venice. But as my master could not afford to pay me, I entered the service of a Venetian merchant and followed him to Constantinople.
"One day I took it into my head to enter a mosque. There was only an old imam and a very pretty young woman at her devotions, saying her prayers. Her breast was completely bare; between her breasts she wore a fine bouquet of tulips, roses, anemones, buttercups, hyacinths, and auriculas. She dropped her bouquet; I picked it up and restored it to her with the utmost respect and eagerness. I took so long to put it back that the imam grew angry, and when he saw I was a Christian, he called for help. They took me before the judge, who had the soles of my feet beaten with a hundred strokes of a wooden slat and sent me to the galleys. I was chained in the very same galley and to the very same bench as the Baron. On that galley were four young men from Marseille, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks from Corfu, who told us that adventures of this kind happened every day. The Baron claimed he had suffered a greater injustice than I; I maintained that replacing a bouquet on a woman's breast was much more permissible than being completely naked with a young page. We argued without cease and received twenty blows of the oxhide whip each day, until the chain of events in this universe brought you to our galley and you ransomed us."
"Well, my dear Pangloss," said Candide, "when you had been hanged, dissected, beaten black and blue, and made to row in the galleys, did you still believe that everything was for the best in this world?" "I still hold to my original opinion," replied Pangloss, "for after all, I am a philosopher. It would not become me to retract it, since Leibnitz cannot be wrong, and preestablished harmony is moreover the most beautiful thing in the world, as are the plenum and subtle matter."
Plain English translation
Mouseia’s complete Plain English edition, made independently and directly from the French text of all thirty chapters (Beuchot edition, 1829). The editor’s notes are omitted.
What happened to Candide, Cunégonde, Pangloss, Martin, and the others.
"Forgive me once again," Candide said to the baron. "Forgive me, Reverend Father, for running you through with my sword." "Let us say no more about it," said the baron. "I was a little too quick to anger, I admit. But since you want to know how you happened to find me among the galley slaves, I will tell you. After the college's brother pharmacist had healed my wound, a Spanish patrol attacked and kidnapped me. I was put in prison in Buénos-Ayres just as my sister was leaving. I asked to return to Rome to see the father general. Instead, I was appointed chaplain to the French ambassador in Constantinople. I had been in the post for less than eight days when one evening I met a handsome young icoglan. It was very hot. The young man wanted to bathe, and I took the opportunity to bathe too. I did not know it was a capital crime for a Christian to be found completely naked with a young Muslim. A judge had the soles of my feet beaten a hundred times with a stick and sentenced me to the galleys. I do not think anyone has ever suffered a worse injustice. But I would very much like to know why my sister is working in the kitchen of a Transylvanian ruler who has taken refuge among the Turks."
"But my dear Pangloss," said Candide, "how is it possible that I see you again?" "It is true," said Pangloss, "that you saw me hanged. In the normal course of events I was to be burned, but you remember how hard it rained when they were about to roast me. The storm was so violent that they gave up hope of lighting the fire. They hanged me because they could do nothing better. A surgeon bought my body, took it home, and dissected me. First he made a cross-shaped cut from my navel to my collarbone. No one could have been more poorly hanged than I was. The executioner of the holy Inquisition, who was a subdeacon, certainly knew how to burn people wonderfully, but he was not used to hanging them. The rope was wet and did not slide properly; it was tied badly. In short, I was still breathing. The cut made me scream so loudly that the surgeon fell backward. He thought he was dissecting the devil, ran away in mortal terror, and fell again on the stairs as he fled. His wife heard the noise and came running from a nearby room. She saw me lying on the table with my cross-shaped cut. She was even more frightened than her husband, ran away, and fell on top of him. Once they had recovered a little, I heard the surgeon's wife say to him, 'My dear, what possessed you to dissect a heretic? Don't you know the devil is always inside these people? I will go and get a priest at once to drive him out.' I shuddered at that, gathered what little strength I had left, and cried, 'Have pity on me!' Finally the Portuguese barber took courage and sewed my skin back together. Even his wife cared for me. I was on my feet in fifteen days. The barber found me a position as a servant to a Knight of Malta who was going to Venice. But my master could not afford to pay me, so I entered the service of a Venetian merchant and followed him to Constantinople.
"One day I felt like going into a mosque. There was only an old imam and a very pretty young devout woman saying her prayers. Her chest was completely bare. Between her two breasts she wore a lovely bouquet of tulips, roses, anemones, buttercups, hyacinths, and bear's ears. She dropped the bouquet. I picked it up and put it back for her with great, respectful eagerness. I took so long putting it back that the imam became angry. When he saw that I was a Christian, he called for help. They took me to a judge, who had the soles of my feet beaten a hundred times with a wooden slat and sent me to the galleys. I was chained in exactly the same galley and to the same bench as the baron. There were four young men from Marseille, five priests from Naples, and two monks from Corfu on that galley. They told us things like this happened every day. The baron insisted that he had suffered a greater injustice than I had. I insisted that putting a bouquet back on a woman's chest was far more permissible than being naked with an icoglan. We argued constantly and received twenty lashes with oxhide a day. Then the chain of events in this universe brought you to our galley, and you bought our freedom."
"Well, my dear Pangloss," Candide asked him, "when you had been hanged, dissected, beaten, and made to row in the galleys, did you still believe that everything was going as well as it possibly could?" "I still hold my original opinion," answered Pangloss. "After all, I am a philosopher. It would not be right for me to take back what I said, since Leibniz cannot be wrong. Besides, preestablished harmony is the finest thing in the world, as are the plenum and subtle matter."